Enjoying a good romantic movie usually involves suspending one’s disbelief. There’s no harm in that. Almost everyone loves a good story of meet-cute, right? Sure they do. And most romance movies involve circumstances in their story line that in reality have a .00000001% chance of ever happening. Case in point: Ever see Pretty Woman? Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Seriously, most sex workers don’t look like Julia Roberts and most customers of sex workers are not super wealthy business men looking to pay for arm candy. But it’s fun to imagine, isn’t it?
Romance scammers are counting on that same kind of abandonment of reality. Their success directly depends upon the emotional investment of their victim being strong enough to overcome their common sense.
After watching a couple of Netflix movies (The Tinder Swindler, and Bad Vegan), I did what I (almost) always do. I got online and started researching. What I found was shocking. Since women my age and above are the most likely victims of these bad actors, I felt compelled to share this information.
There are actually hundreds of sites that offer excellent advice for avoiding, recognizing, and escaping these romance scammers. Here’s a short list of just some of the information I found.
1. Please believe it can happen to you. Even a cursory search for information from reputable sources makes it clear that these scams are insanely common, and victims come from all corners of the planet, just like the scammers.
2. Recognize what makes you vulnerable. When I look at my circle of female friends, and the challenges in their lives, the list is profound: death of a spouse, moving to another city/state/country, change of job status (voluntarily or not), profound illness or infirmity, and divorce. These major life changes throw even the steadiest of us off-kilter. No doubt there are countless other situations that make us incredibly vulnerable.
3. Go slow. A lot of survivors of these schemes describe the high-pressure-sales-tactics style of courtship used to create a sense of attachment. Going from online acquaintance to marriage material in a matter of weeks or months is more “Fast & Furious” rather than “Pretty Woman”.
4. Keep your relationship out in the open with friends and family. If you feel like you have to keep your relationship or their requests to you secret, you are isolating yourself from the very people who can help you stay safe.
5. Ask questions! Reclaim your sense of disbelief. Especially in high pressure situations. Boyfriend states he needs $500 (or $5, or $50k) because of (insert emergency situation here). Why does he need you to fork over the money? Why isn’t his family helping him out? If he’s having legal problems, why isn’t he contacting a lawyer. If your porn star girlfriend is facing a medical crisis, why isn’t she contacting her doctor or a patient advocate? Is your lover having an extraordinary amount of bad luck?
6. Require a video chat. A surprisingly common trait of scammers is their unwillingness to show their face on video chat. They don’t actually say, “Nah, I don’t wanna.” They say things like, “I’m trying but my camera won’t work” or “I was going to but my phone died” or “I can’t because the internet will steal my soul”. Ok, that last one I just made up, but you get the idea. There’s always some reason they just can’t do video. It’s not true in all instances, but again, it happens a lot.
7. Romance scammers aren’t always strangers. Sometimes it’s an ex, or an acquaintance you’ve known for a long time. Not everyone you love who borrows money is a scammer, but it’s not a bad idea to occasionally take inventory of relationships and be sure they are more life-affirming than bank-account-draining.
It’s incredibly important to understand that the problem for victims isn’t a lack of intelligence. On the contrary, there are plenty of brilliant people who have horror stories involving romance scammers. It’s vulnerability and vulnerability isn’t caused by lack of intelligence.
Sometimes, the hard part comes after the victim has given the swindler money. We’re vulnerable, not stupid, remember? Victims often do have an inkling something isn’t kosher, but feel attached to the relationship and keep hoping for the happily ever after. “I can’t back out now. We’ve been through so much.” Or perhaps the unspoken, “I can’t face the possibility I’m really out all that money so I’m just going to keep going along with it and hope it works out in the end.”
It won’t. Just listen to the stories of people who have already been through these gut-wrenching, bankruptcy-inducing experiences. I highly recommend you search for “scamfish” on line. Or search for socialcatfish on YouTube and check out just a few of their stories. This organization investigates these scammers and helps victims recognize and understand exactly who they have been sending their money to. While many of these victims say they are embarrassed, they also want others to learn from their bad experience.
Take advantage of their experience. Do a little research. Find out more about how romance scammers work, and protect yourself.
